Why I decided to get help

The main reason for getting the help I needed was the simple fact that I needed someone to talk to, Someone who didn't know me to share my background with and try to get to bottom of me feeling unwell. Deep down I think knew the reasons but I wasn't able to come to accept them, 

My partner was the person who noticed a change in me and even she didn't know the reasons behind the change in behaviour. And the same questions were asked - HOW ARE YOU? and the biggest lie to respond with is I'M FINE, How are you going to get help if all you do is keep telling the people who ask this that your fine when your not!

IT WAS AFFECTING MY WORK AND WASN'T ABLE TO CONCENTRATE. 

I really don't know what triggered it off, maybe a build up of to many things, maybe the past had finally caught up with me, The missus was due our first baby in a matter of weeks, maybe I was scared of becoming a father, I really don't know.

After a week or so I started getting really bad suicidal thoughts and I wasn't able to sleep at night due to my mind running overtime. I never felt I would ever harm myself but the thoughts were still there, and I didn't know what to do with them.  My mind was planning how I would do it and do it in such a way that I didn't end these feelings, My mind was telling me cut,  I WAS VERY SCARED! THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME THIS HAS EVER HAPPENED. 

I finally built up the courage to tell my partner and explain how I was feeling and told her I need help...SHE WAS VERY UNDERSTANDING. This made me feel a little better for getting it out...I MADE  THE FIRST STEP WHICH WAS AN ACHIEVEMENT IN ITSELF. 

THE SECOND STEP WAS TO TELL MY MANAGER! I was called into the office for something else and I nearly broke down but I got it out there, I told her about my thoughts and said I needed help, I needed someone to talk to... THEN THE WORDS I NEVER THOUGHT ID HERE

COUNSELLING!!!

I was referred to a work based counselling session and all I had to do was wait....in the mean time I made an emergency appointment at the doctors.

WHAT I DONE, WAS BIG, VERY BIG, IT TAKES SOME COURAGE TO TELL PEOPLE HOW YOU FEEL, ESPECIALLY THE ONES WHO ARE THE CLOSEST TO YOU. BUT WHY SUFFER IN SILENCE, GET IT OUT THERE AND GET HELP, YOU'LL THANK ME FOR IT ONE DAY...

I REALLY HOPE THAT THE PEOPLE WHO ARE SUFFERING IN SILENCE STOPS, THINKS AND  START TALKING TO SOMEONE-ANYONE. 

NEVER USE THE WORDS-I'M FINE