Depression and Fatherhood

I cried, I was feeling low, I told myself this is it, its time to say goodbye. I can’t take feeling like this anymore. The devil inside kept telling me they would be better without you, you serve no purpose in this life. My head was like a thunderstorm, lots of black clouds, thunder, lightening and the dark thoughts mixed in. My partner said what wrong? I replied “I’m going to kill myself!”

What is depression? Is it being depressed? Do people really know the difference? Living with the stigma attached to such a strong word and meaning. There is an emptiness attached to the word – like your soul just isn’t there.

Imagine living everyday with a serious mental health problem when you have children, Children that need your un-devoted attention every second of the day. Your heart melts every time they shout daddy, when he comes to give you a good morning kiss and cuddles you before bed. But deep inside your devil is telling you, you’re not worth it, planning inside your head what your going to do. The thoughts remove all the important feelings you have and over take your mind and body.

Going back a few years to when my son was born –The most important day of my life. All the dark thoughts just seemed to disappear; I was on the sick at the time for having a breakdown at work. I was living in a dark place before I had to rush to hospital and just like that – GONE, like switching the light on.

Depression is hard enough when you don’t have children, But when that child is your main focus you need to tell yourself that, easier said than done, When your out and your not feeling 100% but you get the public looking at you, maybe for shouting, or loosing your cool, they don’t know the reasons behind it, in my case drepression gives me a short fuse as I find it hard to deal with my emotions and running about after a toddler.

Take yesterday for example, I was at soft play with my son, I lifted him over the fence to let him play. Usually I would go in with him but I felt drained and worthless, I just sat on the chair and watched while other mothers and fathers were playing in the soft play. These are the memories you need to be involved in. I want to be remembered as a fun playful dad that done everything with their son. Not the dad who is grumpy and just sits at the side. I am a fun dad when I am well and I am totally unsure if people were looking at me for sitting and watching,  but maybe that’s me being paranoid.  

I grew up without a dad, the only father figure I had was my Grandad and Uncle but its not the same. I want to be there for my son, I want to get better for his sake – He is the most important part of my life now, nothing else matters but him.

Depression whats that?

It came and went, and comes and goes, I enjoy every second of being a father, It tests you at times and you feel like you have no patience left to cope, but he is your soul, your life, your world and you find a way to get through.

2 years on and It has came back with a vengeance. The sunny days were gone and the dark days were to come. It started off as a trickle of thoughts and became a full blown storm of suicidal thoughts, tears and the feeling of uselessness.

No matter what I do to try and get better DEPRESSION will always be there its how you deal with it. Your feeling depressed, believe me  its not the same as depression. Depressed is just a word that everyone uses. But take a second and think what that word really means.  

Talking about it is hard for anyone. When I’m in a conversation with someone and they are talking in a such a way, saying certain words I fell like exploding and telling them to choose their words carefully, When I am going through a period like this I am a very explosive person and sometimes I have to fight so hard not to say anything.

I am still here to fight another day and I will continue to fight for my son’s sake.

I will make my son proud of me.

If you would like to ready into my background please visit my blog. I haven’t been in the best place to post anything for a while but there is content on there that will give you my background story is to why I feel the way I do.

Not so good.

It's been a while since I've blogged as I have been very busy over the past few months and not feeling to good in myself. 

When I get this low I can't be bothered with the world around me and I lock everything away and nothing seems to matter anymore. I get the feeling I have nothing to live even though I have everything I need. But that doesn't matter. 

My weight is out of control and because it's out of control I feel worse. And the worse I feel the more shit and crappy foods I'm eating. To point when I'm eating it, I start to feel sick and want to throw up. 

I've stopped my tablets AGAIN. which I know doesn't help but I haven't got the energy to even go the chemist to get them. That's how bad I feel. I don't want to take them. I want it to end. 

Everything needs to end. 

What services I used

Now this is a question, there are so many services out there and so many to chose from to help you.

The first service I used was a work based counselling programme. 

The very first session was good, I got a lot off my chest and I was given coping mechanisms which I used for a week up until the second session, This included meditating and listening to calming music. 

When I went to the counsellors home for the second session she dropped a bomb shell, something I didn't really want to hear "we only have 3 sessions left" that I knew already  but then she said "We cant really go into much detail, I don't want to open a can of worms as I don't want to send you on your way after for sessions with the worms open"

I MEAN COME ON, WHAT WAS THE POINT IN BEING THERE IF THIS WAS THE CASE!

I continued the counselling anyway but we weren't getting anywhere-repeating the same things for 4 weeks, I felt it was making me worse as I couldn't tell her what I needed to to cause that's basically what she told me.

Anyway I fed this information back to my manager at work and as we have a contract with Sunderland MIND there was a fast track referral put in for me to have counselling there. 

The day it started I knew the counsellor cared and wanted to help, he dove straight in - right for the jugular. Within the first couple sessions we were making progress but I was as low as I had ever been, bringing and talking about all the things that I had locked away. 

Another few sessions past and I was on my way back up. Starting to feel better in myself - looking at myself differently. 

MIND helped me a great deal, I have them to thank for being around to help. Maybe I wouldn't be here if they had not been there to help me understand what I was going through

Why I decided to get help

The main reason for getting the help I needed was the simple fact that I needed someone to talk to, Someone who didn't know me to share my background with and try to get to bottom of me feeling unwell. Deep down I think knew the reasons but I wasn't able to come to accept them, 

My partner was the person who noticed a change in me and even she didn't know the reasons behind the change in behaviour. And the same questions were asked - HOW ARE YOU? and the biggest lie to respond with is I'M FINE, How are you going to get help if all you do is keep telling the people who ask this that your fine when your not!

IT WAS AFFECTING MY WORK AND WASN'T ABLE TO CONCENTRATE. 

I really don't know what triggered it off, maybe a build up of to many things, maybe the past had finally caught up with me, The missus was due our first baby in a matter of weeks, maybe I was scared of becoming a father, I really don't know.

After a week or so I started getting really bad suicidal thoughts and I wasn't able to sleep at night due to my mind running overtime. I never felt I would ever harm myself but the thoughts were still there, and I didn't know what to do with them.  My mind was planning how I would do it and do it in such a way that I didn't end these feelings, My mind was telling me cut,  I WAS VERY SCARED! THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME THIS HAS EVER HAPPENED. 

I finally built up the courage to tell my partner and explain how I was feeling and told her I need help...SHE WAS VERY UNDERSTANDING. This made me feel a little better for getting it out...I MADE  THE FIRST STEP WHICH WAS AN ACHIEVEMENT IN ITSELF. 

THE SECOND STEP WAS TO TELL MY MANAGER! I was called into the office for something else and I nearly broke down but I got it out there, I told her about my thoughts and said I needed help, I needed someone to talk to... THEN THE WORDS I NEVER THOUGHT ID HERE

COUNSELLING!!!

I was referred to a work based counselling session and all I had to do was wait....in the mean time I made an emergency appointment at the doctors.

WHAT I DONE, WAS BIG, VERY BIG, IT TAKES SOME COURAGE TO TELL PEOPLE HOW YOU FEEL, ESPECIALLY THE ONES WHO ARE THE CLOSEST TO YOU. BUT WHY SUFFER IN SILENCE, GET IT OUT THERE AND GET HELP, YOU'LL THANK ME FOR IT ONE DAY...

I REALLY HOPE THAT THE PEOPLE WHO ARE SUFFERING IN SILENCE STOPS, THINKS AND  START TALKING TO SOMEONE-ANYONE. 

NEVER USE THE WORDS-I'M FINE

My Background...

Bullies...I'm guessing that most people who have suffered some sought of Mental health problem such as Depression, Anxiety or even Self Harm have been in contact with one...MINE WAS AT SCHOOL-all the way through secondary school-and outside! 

I put up with mostly name calling and it got to the point of not only my so called mates saying the things they did but the younger years and as I was a timid young lad that never stuck up for myself as I thought if I didn't retaliate then it would go away...But it didn't...It got worse and I was bottling it all up inside. School didn't pick up on this and my grades were failing miserably, I received no help from anyone... WAS IT MY FAULT THAT NO ONE KNEW WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH? OR WAS IT THE SCHOOLS FOR NOTICING A BIG CHANGE IN GRADES AND BEHAVIOUR?

Needless to say I failed in every exam apart from art...KICK ME WHILE I'M DOWN AS THEY SAY! 

Not only was I bullied in school but outside of school but for totally different things, this time it was physical, and this was from a so called best friend, he used to be nice-call on for me stick up for me, and when we used play football, if I did something wrong he used to punch,kick me and name call. Then apologise and everything was fine again-IT WAS VERY CONFUSING. It got so bad I used to get home from school get in and changed and fall asleep just so when he knocked on for me, my Mam used to say he's sleeping and that was my way of getting out the way-stopping in and shutting everything out from the day at school and knowing what I was expecting if I went out on the evenings. 

Things started to look up when I enrolled at college, thinking a fresh start would be great, new people who didn't know me-new faces new place. UNTIL- a lad I was in school with was at the same college, I knew it wouldn't be long before something started, the first 3-6 months were great, I met a great bunch of lads, playing footy at lunch times. THEN THE CERTAIN WORD CAME OUT! THAT NAME THAT WORD THAT HAUNTED ME FOR 4 YEARS! And soon everyone was saying it. I finished my course and left college without going back for the second year.

Now in the big bad world of employment it was another chance for me to start a fresh, but that lasted no time. I understand that a newby in workplace gets the shitty jobs, but with the history I have it felt like bullying, and I had to go home on the sick as I couldn't handle it, once I returned after a week, the lads on the floor were giving me a hard time and I struggled to fit in. Most of them smoked weed so I thought Id try it to fit in. it worked for a while and things were OK but then i was laid off from that role as it was only temporary anyway. all the jobs after that were Christmas temporary jobs- IT FELT THAT THINGS WERE NEVER GOING TO GET BETTER!

I got my break when I started for the company who I am still with today as a cleaner (I have since bettered myself in another job but more on that in a different post).

Cleaning wasn't the best job in the world but it paid good. one my first day 17 years old-put it a van with men, grown men, scary as it was they were great, we got on immediately and I am still really good friends with one of them to this day. 

All this time and still everything was bottling up inside and I was given a real bollocking from my manager at work one day for not cleaning properly, to the point where he made me feel an inch tall, the lad who I'm still friends with really stuck up for me, and fought my corner until the manager backed down, I put up with his shit for 2 years until my mate left for a new job, I was forced to ask for a transfer and it was accepted and I was on grounds maintenance. 

For 2 years I loved it, all the lads were great, we had a laugh, a carry on, just lads being lads. AGAIN REMEMBERING THAT ALL THIS HURT AND HEART PAIN WAS STILL THERE AND NOT FORGOTTEN. 

WHAT WAS I GOING TO DO WITH MYSELF?......

I started looking at the things I could do to better myself..Firstly was to resit my GCSEs and passed them, next was do anything that I could, If I was list the things id be here all night, but put it this way it consists on 75 training courses I have completed since starting for the company. Which have helped me get to where I am today, but more on that in a different post.

THIS IS MY BACKGROUND AND WHAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH. 

IF YOU CAN RELATE TO MY STORY, PLEASE FOLLOW THIS BLOG FOR A LOT MORE HELP AND GUIDANCE OF WHAT I HAVE DONE TO HELP MYSELF IN THE PAST 2 YEARS. 

THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO READ, 

IT WAS HARDER THAN YOU THINK TO BE ABLE THINK BACK TO THOSE TIMES AND ACTUALLY WRITE IT DOWN.