Depression and Fatherhood

I cried, I was feeling low, I told myself this is it, its time to say goodbye. I can’t take feeling like this anymore. The devil inside kept telling me they would be better without you, you serve no purpose in this life. My head was like a thunderstorm, lots of black clouds, thunder, lightening and the dark thoughts mixed in. My partner said what wrong? I replied “I’m going to kill myself!”

What is depression? Is it being depressed? Do people really know the difference? Living with the stigma attached to such a strong word and meaning. There is an emptiness attached to the word – like your soul just isn’t there.

Imagine living everyday with a serious mental health problem when you have children, Children that need your un-devoted attention every second of the day. Your heart melts every time they shout daddy, when he comes to give you a good morning kiss and cuddles you before bed. But deep inside your devil is telling you, you’re not worth it, planning inside your head what your going to do. The thoughts remove all the important feelings you have and over take your mind and body.

Going back a few years to when my son was born –The most important day of my life. All the dark thoughts just seemed to disappear; I was on the sick at the time for having a breakdown at work. I was living in a dark place before I had to rush to hospital and just like that – GONE, like switching the light on.

Depression is hard enough when you don’t have children, But when that child is your main focus you need to tell yourself that, easier said than done, When your out and your not feeling 100% but you get the public looking at you, maybe for shouting, or loosing your cool, they don’t know the reasons behind it, in my case drepression gives me a short fuse as I find it hard to deal with my emotions and running about after a toddler.

Take yesterday for example, I was at soft play with my son, I lifted him over the fence to let him play. Usually I would go in with him but I felt drained and worthless, I just sat on the chair and watched while other mothers and fathers were playing in the soft play. These are the memories you need to be involved in. I want to be remembered as a fun playful dad that done everything with their son. Not the dad who is grumpy and just sits at the side. I am a fun dad when I am well and I am totally unsure if people were looking at me for sitting and watching,  but maybe that’s me being paranoid.  

I grew up without a dad, the only father figure I had was my Grandad and Uncle but its not the same. I want to be there for my son, I want to get better for his sake – He is the most important part of my life now, nothing else matters but him.

Depression whats that?

It came and went, and comes and goes, I enjoy every second of being a father, It tests you at times and you feel like you have no patience left to cope, but he is your soul, your life, your world and you find a way to get through.

2 years on and It has came back with a vengeance. The sunny days were gone and the dark days were to come. It started off as a trickle of thoughts and became a full blown storm of suicidal thoughts, tears and the feeling of uselessness.

No matter what I do to try and get better DEPRESSION will always be there its how you deal with it. Your feeling depressed, believe me  its not the same as depression. Depressed is just a word that everyone uses. But take a second and think what that word really means.  

Talking about it is hard for anyone. When I’m in a conversation with someone and they are talking in a such a way, saying certain words I fell like exploding and telling them to choose their words carefully, When I am going through a period like this I am a very explosive person and sometimes I have to fight so hard not to say anything.

I am still here to fight another day and I will continue to fight for my son’s sake.

I will make my son proud of me.

If you would like to ready into my background please visit my blog. I haven’t been in the best place to post anything for a while but there is content on there that will give you my background story is to why I feel the way I do.

My Background...

Bullies...I'm guessing that most people who have suffered some sought of Mental health problem such as Depression, Anxiety or even Self Harm have been in contact with one...MINE WAS AT SCHOOL-all the way through secondary school-and outside! 

I put up with mostly name calling and it got to the point of not only my so called mates saying the things they did but the younger years and as I was a timid young lad that never stuck up for myself as I thought if I didn't retaliate then it would go away...But it didn't...It got worse and I was bottling it all up inside. School didn't pick up on this and my grades were failing miserably, I received no help from anyone... WAS IT MY FAULT THAT NO ONE KNEW WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH? OR WAS IT THE SCHOOLS FOR NOTICING A BIG CHANGE IN GRADES AND BEHAVIOUR?

Needless to say I failed in every exam apart from art...KICK ME WHILE I'M DOWN AS THEY SAY! 

Not only was I bullied in school but outside of school but for totally different things, this time it was physical, and this was from a so called best friend, he used to be nice-call on for me stick up for me, and when we used play football, if I did something wrong he used to punch,kick me and name call. Then apologise and everything was fine again-IT WAS VERY CONFUSING. It got so bad I used to get home from school get in and changed and fall asleep just so when he knocked on for me, my Mam used to say he's sleeping and that was my way of getting out the way-stopping in and shutting everything out from the day at school and knowing what I was expecting if I went out on the evenings. 

Things started to look up when I enrolled at college, thinking a fresh start would be great, new people who didn't know me-new faces new place. UNTIL- a lad I was in school with was at the same college, I knew it wouldn't be long before something started, the first 3-6 months were great, I met a great bunch of lads, playing footy at lunch times. THEN THE CERTAIN WORD CAME OUT! THAT NAME THAT WORD THAT HAUNTED ME FOR 4 YEARS! And soon everyone was saying it. I finished my course and left college without going back for the second year.

Now in the big bad world of employment it was another chance for me to start a fresh, but that lasted no time. I understand that a newby in workplace gets the shitty jobs, but with the history I have it felt like bullying, and I had to go home on the sick as I couldn't handle it, once I returned after a week, the lads on the floor were giving me a hard time and I struggled to fit in. Most of them smoked weed so I thought Id try it to fit in. it worked for a while and things were OK but then i was laid off from that role as it was only temporary anyway. all the jobs after that were Christmas temporary jobs- IT FELT THAT THINGS WERE NEVER GOING TO GET BETTER!

I got my break when I started for the company who I am still with today as a cleaner (I have since bettered myself in another job but more on that in a different post).

Cleaning wasn't the best job in the world but it paid good. one my first day 17 years old-put it a van with men, grown men, scary as it was they were great, we got on immediately and I am still really good friends with one of them to this day. 

All this time and still everything was bottling up inside and I was given a real bollocking from my manager at work one day for not cleaning properly, to the point where he made me feel an inch tall, the lad who I'm still friends with really stuck up for me, and fought my corner until the manager backed down, I put up with his shit for 2 years until my mate left for a new job, I was forced to ask for a transfer and it was accepted and I was on grounds maintenance. 

For 2 years I loved it, all the lads were great, we had a laugh, a carry on, just lads being lads. AGAIN REMEMBERING THAT ALL THIS HURT AND HEART PAIN WAS STILL THERE AND NOT FORGOTTEN. 

WHAT WAS I GOING TO DO WITH MYSELF?......

I started looking at the things I could do to better myself..Firstly was to resit my GCSEs and passed them, next was do anything that I could, If I was list the things id be here all night, but put it this way it consists on 75 training courses I have completed since starting for the company. Which have helped me get to where I am today, but more on that in a different post.

THIS IS MY BACKGROUND AND WHAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH. 

IF YOU CAN RELATE TO MY STORY, PLEASE FOLLOW THIS BLOG FOR A LOT MORE HELP AND GUIDANCE OF WHAT I HAVE DONE TO HELP MYSELF IN THE PAST 2 YEARS. 

THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO READ, 

IT WAS HARDER THAN YOU THINK TO BE ABLE THINK BACK TO THOSE TIMES AND ACTUALLY WRITE IT DOWN.